1. Host an orgy. Smell is the sense closest related to sexual arousal, so spray the entire house down with an invigorating aphrodijiack (Hilfiger Black should do the trick) to get the mood set just right. Light some scented candles so the light is at an intoxicating level. Then put on some music corresponding to the type of sex that you imagine taking place. Slow and rhythmic? Let Miles Davis or Barry White guide you to a smooth, full orgasm. Fast and unbridled? Pump the techno just like they do in professional porno flicks. Will blood be drawn? Fuck to thrash metal, like Slayer or Lamb of God, as you rip and rip and tear. Above all else have fun...after all, isn't that what orgies are for!?
2. Eat a microwave dinner. Oh wait you can't do that, the power is out! Bury your face in your palms and scream out in rage after you come to this realization. You really wanted, no, needed that mush flavored buffalo chicken Hot Pocket. Dammit.
3. Play with the dog. You know, the dog? That furry, brownish animal that you usually don't notice until he farts or has to take a piss? Yeah, he's pretty old now. In fact he's probably going to die within the next few months. Take this opportunity to get reacquainted with an old, decaying friend. There will be plenty of time to ignore his existence after you get internet back.
4. Surf the internet with your Iphone. Losing electricity isn't nearly as unbearable as it was back in the Dark Ages of the 1990's.
5. Clip your toenails. For Pete's sake they're long as hell all yellow and nasty and stuff.
6. Go ghost hunting in the woods. Take a knife to defend yourself from packs of rabid wild wolves. They've been spotted recently in your area. If you don't have any luck finding ghosts, go in search of the wolves. If you can get close enough, split one vertically down through the ribcage. Then sling the bastard over your shoulder and take him home so dad can grill him up.
7. Cocoon yourself in a sleeping bag and slide head first down the steps. Have your parent/friend/sibling wait at the bottom with 911 predailed into a cellphone.
8. Tie a string to ceiling fan blade and coerce your cat into latching onto it. This will be fun for hours. Oh wait, fuck, the electricity isn't working. Dammit.
9. Kick your younger brother's ass with a styrafoam pool noodle. Unless your brother (1) has an anger problem (2) is freakishly large for his age or (3) both 1 and 2. You won't want to live with the shame of getting your face pounded in by somebody four years younger than you. Trust me.
10. Put your brother on a leash, force a pair of skates onto his feet, tie him to the trampoline and put a bag of rotten potatoes on his head. Just do it. The skates will keep him from making a quick escape. When you see him wobbling and sinking into the mushy ground as he tries to "run" away, round up your friends and beat him with multiple styrafoam pool noodles.
11. Plot an extravagant murder of some of your classmates. Tell your parents it's just a joke when they find it.
12. See how many times you can masturbate in 24 hours. You'll probably shooting blanks around the 5th or 6th orgasm. Don't let that stop you. You're a winner, not a loser.
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